So I haven't written in my blog in a while, but I do have to be more committed to my work! Ughhh I hate being a lazy bum! lol. But besides all that, my life hasn't been very interesting. Everything has been going pretty good, which is awesome, but there are some things that just keep on occurring (in my dreams that is) that is just bothering me.
Note- I am guessing the producers are getting bored..so they at least need to plug something in my dreams! lol
So I have been having these crazy dreams lately that all have to do with my ex. It is crazy because when everything ended between us, I apologized so much and I wanted closure. But I never officially got it neither did I EVER get an apology. Our relationship was toxic, but eventually I knew when it was time to leave. And even when I tried to get away, he would still try to talk to me. I have officially blocked his number, stopped talking to our mutual friends, blocked him on facebook, email everything! I am even avoiding picking up unknown numbers and yet his spirit still follows me. It has been over a year since we have been over and yet it is still not OVER. What gets me is that all of these dreams that I have been having include him saying “I’m sorry". I don’t think I will ever get that, and I am not expecting it, but whyyy???? I mean I am over him, I know who he is, but I think the pain still lingers, and it is evolving into me resenting love, or at least the possibility of it.
Like I said, this is not an "I hate men" rant, but lately I have been feeling like I just don't need men. I am happy by myself. I got into a great school with an amazing scholarship. I will be moving to Jersey City with my friends soon. I am in the process of buying a car. Things are just going into place and for once, I am in control. So I think to myself “What is there not to love? No wonder I want to be alone!" lol I know this is mega selfish and maybe even a little wierd, but I am just loving myself and feeling happy about life. But I am just getting worried that since I am having issues with my past and getting over things, it is intervening with my feelings towards men. I am 21 and I am at that age where I should be having fun, talking to many boys, or at least want to have a "special somebody". What I have been feeling is, "I just wanna party with my friends..hold on let me just cancel on him." "Oh god that guy is calling again (ignore button)." "Oh that guy is sending a drink, I don't want it, and send that shit back because then I'll have to talk to him." "Ahhh he is texting me talking about he loves my eyes, ughhh why is he so cheesy!!!!!!" "Ha! I am sure you say that shit to every girl." Or my personal favorite "Oh you want to go to dinner? Ummm I mean it's only sex, not that serious."
Seriously, I have either become a "Bro" or I am just fucked up in the head....what is that shit? I mean I am just concerned because this wasn't me, but I am afraid it is now. I used to want to be with someone. Want to hold hands, kiss, be all lovey dovey, try to be romantic, or even fantasize about having a great boy friend. But now I just want to be alone, don't want to be bothered, and I get annoyed when I see all of these annoying couples together. (I don't mean to be a hater but god damn let yourself breathe!) I just don't think I would ever be ready to call my life ours and I am just not ready to change my life for anyone. I don't want to tell anyone where I am going, what I am doing, splitting up holidays, dealing with jealousy, or even having to cling on to another person for some type of support, because I've got me!
It's just crazy because it's not who I used to be, it's not who I want to be, but this is who I have become. Hopefully I stop having these dreams so I can officially stop having these "commitment" issues and I can finally let someone in, because seriously shits getting pretty crazy.
And I dont want to become this-->
And I dont want to become this-->
Ok next week my post will be lighter I promise. I just wanted to vent because I know my friends are tired of listening to my ridiculous/unexplainable issues :)
Besos :*
Hieee ;) I really enjoyed reading this post. and literally picturing you go back and forth between the person you were with your ex, who you are now, and who you DON'T want to become...
ReplyDeleteBut what about who you DO want to become? I think all the changes you encountered were necessary at the moment. Embracing each moment for what it is at it's present state is the best way to learn more and more about ourselves... About what makes us happy.
and then we move on... I read in a later post that you have a bf now~ how wonderful for you. You were not closing out love or having commitment issues... You were loving you. And building your happiness based on the things you love in life,,, not the ppl who surrounded you.
I hope you aren't having a hard time being lovey dovey; or telling each other where you are, and being that annoying couple you saw in everyone else lol ;) Wish you all the best and congrats on the new job and apt! Yayyyy