And the Winner is........

"I have made up my mind. California here I come!"

     It hit me when I was at home after my parents came back from Dominican Republic. They were talking about how happy they were out there, and how they want to rush back. And all I could think was....I need to find happiness too.

     Most of you don't know my story and why I am in this situation in life where it has been sooo confusing trying to figure out that to do with myself. Here's a short synopses of why I am here.

• I finished high school and got nooooo help from my parents for college (which made me not go to the school I wanted to go)
• I ended up going to a school I didn't like and I moved to Jersey City.
• I switched schools and ended up going to SAE to study Audio Engineering (which was the only good thing)
• I met my ex....EPIC FAIL.
• I moved to DC to work after I was done with school, and things were looking up.
• My father got extremely ill, so I dropped everything and came back home to help.
• My ex and I broke up.
• Epic sibling rivery.
• Epic arguments with my parents.
• Had a hard time finding a job that I enjoyed.
• Found a job, that I hate.
• I was stuck between family drama, running away from relationships, and hating where I am in life!

So my next step is saving up my dollaz, going out to cali in April to take my placement test, registering for classes, planning where to live, and making huge moves. I feel happier and very excited for this new chapter in my life. I am happy here close to all my friends and family but everyone is making their own path and I just have to learn to pave mines.

I was so scared to disappoint anyone with my decision, but I have to concentrate on what I want and I have to be myself and believe in me that where my heart is going is the right way. I have been using my brain to make all of my decisions but now I want to finally follow my heart. Cali here I come!

The Golden State Vs. The Garden State...can we just glue them together?

So the past 2 &1/2 years has been the most epic and rough years I have ever had. Between trying to figure out what I wanted to do after high school, moving all over the place, attending 1000000 establishments, family issues, relationship failure, and then ending up where it all began, the Jerz! I was stuck in one place at one job that I don't even like with no opportunities or options, but all of this just brought me to at least this conclusion...I NEED TO GET AWAY..... So What shall I do? Pack my shit and run.

I thought it would do me some good to get away and try something new and find a whole new environment. Coincidentally, my bffl of life, Lisi, was going through the same thing. We both wanted to escape the Somerset, NJ area for our own personal reasons, and also make some new adventures. We are both going through that...."Well I went to school...what do I do now with this piece of paper saying I accomplished something??" Her friend Amanda was going through the same thing, so we thought, "Lets join forces and live together in Jersey City. 20 min from New York City, cheap rent, and a whole lot of opportunities...lets do this!" So we automatically start harassing Craigslist for home and jobs. I was feeling better than ever and excited to start a new positive chapter in my life. I am young, single, no kids, NOTHING holding me back....But then as I feel that life is coming into place and I actually have an exciting option and a new adventure with my friends, another window of opportunity opens (and by window I mean a huge ass hole was punched in the wall the size of an airplane).

My friends and I we experiencing the same issues of trying to find a job near Jersey City, so out of desperation, I called my mentor (who is an awesome audio engineer in the city) in hopes for him to have an open opportunity of any job at a recording studio. At this point I would even clean toilets in the studio, just as long as I was close to a console and some awesome music. When I called him to beg for any job, he regretfully tells me, "Sweety, if I had a job, you would be the first person I would hire, but at this point studios are closing down rather than hiring." My spirits were quickly shut down and then he tells me, "I was actually going to call you this week. I received some of your college paperwork here at my office. Some places responded, and you got into 3 awesome schools that are affiliated with your last school." I then ask him, "Soooooo...where did I get in?" (as i cross my fingers hoping it was some awesome place close to Jersey City) He then tells me (20 min later since he had to search through his messy desk)..."Ok...you got into Berkeley, UCLA, and Pierce College. Congrats!" I sit there quietly and start pondering.....Berkeley (Berkeley, CA) UCLA (Los Angeles, CA) Pierce College ( Woodland Hills, CA). CALIFORNIA???? Wtf, I applied for those places but I totally forgot about them. I honestly didn't even think I would get into all of them, but HOTDAMNNNNNN!!!! So this news is amazing and I am jumping up and down out of excitement...but now I think.....where does this leave my original plans and direction???

<Seriously.....

Now....since I originally had no options, I know i should be more gratefull and and be happy that I actually have somewhere to go and that I am not stuck with 100000 kids on a farm. But now I am torn in between. How do you pick from living with awesome people and finding new adventures in life, or going to school (which I want to go for Communications(Broadcasting)/ Journalism-goes with my Audio Engineer Certification). I dont know...so now I shall present you with this....

Going to California?

PROS

-I get to go to school and be a real person.

-A new environment and adventure that I have been looking for.

-Beach!!!!

- I got a partial scholarship.

-I will be surrounded in broadcasting central (more opportunities after graduation)

-It is affiliated with my last school, bachelors in 2 years...Pimp.

CONS

-SCARY.

-6 hour flight.

-I will be away from everyone that I love.

-I run a risk of fucking up.

-If I do fuck up...who do I run to?

-I have less than a week to decide whether I am going.

-My friends probably can't get the awesome place we want.

-Loneliness.

Staying Home?

PROS

-I get to move to Jersey City with my girlies.

-I will be like 30 min from my family.

-Eventually I will got to to school closer to home.

-I won't be alone.

- I get to live in a pimped out house with my girls.

-Eventually I can continue looking for an audio engineer job in the city that I wont hate.

CONS

-What if I get comfortable and dont go to school?

-I don't want to ask, "What if?" if something goes wrong.

-And what if I am still unhappy?

-What if I can't find a job close by?

-I HATE my current job, I really don't want to be here.



So World, what do I do? I am sure god was sick and tired of hearing me complaing and being emo, and said, "You wanna complain? I'll give you something to complain about bitch!" It is sooooo difficult, because either way, my options are awesome, but I just cant weigh them out. I know where my heart is leading towards, but my brain is pointing somewhere else. Until I can come to a conclusion.... I am whipping out my Krazy Glue and making plans of forming Jerseyfornia.



So my friend and I went out for some sushi... FAIL

 

The Sushi Disaster

As most of my friends know, I am an extremely picky eater, but I will not be the childish imbecile to yell  out ewwwwwwwww when I get introduced to something very unfamiliar. My diet mainly consist of mainly chicken... and I like it very much, but there is always that one person that does the huge mistake of saying, "What? You only eat chicken? Oh no but you gotta try this, you don't know what your missing!". When in reality, I do know what I am missing, because I ate it once and almost puked my brains out and I have no desire to try it again. But despite all of that someone always wants to push me to try something new, so I end up giving in, and regretting my life.....

So that one person who pushed me to the threshold of trying something new was my unfortunate friend Ismael. I know he meant well and had all the best intentions, but he did not know what he was getting himself into. We had planned a while ago to hang out, and we officially got together late last night. He comes to pick me up and asks me..."So...what you wanna do?" He was pretty hungry, but I had already devoured some Mexican food prior to meeting him with my bffl.  (btw I had the most amazing flautas in the whole world, it was pretty extreme. )

So he decides that he wants to eat some sushi (and in my opinion I wouldn't call it eating sushi, I would call it tasting some raw fish). I look at him and clearly say, "Ok we can go, but I wont eat anything, I don't like sushi anyway so it's cool." He then tells me, "Whhhhaaaaaaaatttt?? How can you not like sushi? It's so good! No, I am taking you to this one spot that they make the best sushi, you are going to love it." I continued telling him that it is no hope, I have already made up my mind about sushi and all of it's weirdness, but he proceeded with his little hopeful wish of converting me to the dark side, and drove me all the way to North Bergen, NJ to have the "best sushi ever". Now if I have mentioned this yet, North Bergen is 53 min away from Somerset, NJ (which is where I live) and it was 12:00AM. So off we go on this epic trip for food that I don't even like....53 MIN LATER AND MANY TOLLS AHEAD.....

We get to the location and it was a very beautiful place. Ismael orders his fish remains, , and proceeds to order mines, even though we fought about it 20x in the car. As we wait for the "fish tasting" (that costs like $12.00 a pop) I decided to mess with his mind a little about sushi just to laugh a little and crack some jokes...which backfired horrifically. I didn't think our conversation would take this route..but it lead to an epic mess (which the discussion lasted about 40 min...why does it take that long to roll up some suuush??).

So I start off by looking at the sushi chef and laughing a little because he looked so evil, and for some reason he had a top hat (non traditional I know). But I have a little history with top hats...please read this blog and you will understand.... (http://feelitinyourspirit.blogspot.com/2010/12/i-figured-devil-knew-how-to-fist.html). The chef looked so evil back there with the hibachi fire gliding around him, and I pointed it out to Ismael so he could laugh a little. Then I said "He looks so evil, almost like he is thinking...HAHAHA silly Americans! eat my over priced scam!" I continued to laugh, and then Ismael looks at me and says, "Why is it a scam?" And I said, " Well I mean think of it this way, sushi can barley fill you up when your starving. I feel like it can hardly fill up a child. Its crazy small and is so expensive! It has to be the best scam ever! They don't have to pay for gas, its raw, its cooked up rice with nooooooo seasoning. All they have to do is roll it up. And on top of that you don't even get real utensils!!!! They give you super cheap chop sticks made out of wood!!!"

Now I though what I was saying was hilarious, just a funny little joke. I continued laughing, and Ismael was turning red....(Mind you he is super tan, it was sooooo funny to watch him all red.) He looks at me with the most upset look on his face. It made me laugh a little, because I felt like I hit a nerve, and things were about to get interesting. He then tells me, "You shouldn't be making fun on sushi. I don't laugh at you just because you only eat chicken. You need to grow up Pearls. Seriously I like sushi and you are just offending me right now."

THIS WAS WHAT MADE MY NIGHT

Definition of OFFEND

intransitive verb

1

a : to transgress the moral or divine law : sin <if it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul alive — Shakespeare> b : to violate a law or rule : do wrong <offend against the law>

2

a : to cause difficulty, discomfort, or injury <took off his shoe and removed the offending pebble> b : to cause dislike, anger, or vexation <thoughtless words that offend needlessly>

I just looked at him and said, "Offending you??? Really?? Wow it's not that serious. I was just trying to make some jokes. Tayke essi men!"( take it easy man, in my Mexican voice) I continued to laugh and then the food arrives and I just look at this tiny sushi and him...some how, it makes me laugh just a tad bit more, hysterically at this point. I then look at this manly Dominican man grab this tiny fish specimen with his huge hands and I laugh so hard that I dropped my tea! He just looks up at me with hatred...and continues to finish his little meal (which he finished in 4 minuets btw)


ISMAEL'S LESSON LEARNED...
*Never force me to eat shit I don't like.
*Sushi is a scam.
*I am 5.
*Chicken always beats fish, no comparison.

Foreplay, Music, and A Little Women Appreciation

I post this link, because I feel that this video and this song speaks to me. I don't want to sound soooo corny, but it just does. Between the long intro of a stressed scene of a photographer stepping out to get some fresh air (which seemed like foreplay to me lol), to the way the beat drops and the way he can appreciate a womans beauty, all I can say is this video got to me. I know it seems sooooo simple but the songs element is as simple as enjoying a woman for what she is. No crazy make up, pose, nor clothing can establish who she is, its all about that one smile.

"Love"...or something like it...

I don't want to make this blog about hating men, women because when it comes to the heart no one can control it. WE ALL FUCKED UP SOMEWHERE WITH LOVE ......It is just a matter of accepting it.

For girls, I can at least say it all begins when we are in school and we have our little group of friends and we spot that one guy that caught out attention...then our friends notice it, and start chanting "(YOUR NAME) and (THE BOYS NAME) sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love...then comes marriage....(we all know the rest) EXCEPT..... that song lied to us. Now a days its,  "(YOUR NAME) and (THE BOYS NAME) after a couple of drinks, F-U-C-K-I-N-G, first comes the sex, then comes the baby , then comes the heart break and all the drama!" It's the truth..unfortunately.

 I don't want to be the cynical one and kill every ones dreams of one day finding love, getting married, and then having a baby, but it just seems that the order has changed drastically in a couple of years. And the crazy part is we all want to find someone to blame, either media, friends, society, whatever it is, but we just don't want to turn around and blame ourselves...YES OURSELVES...you want to know why??? Because over time you are told to do what you want, be what you want...so what do you do????Give in to whatever you what, which is the urge and temptation that people used to fear waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy back in the day and in result.....we lead to sex....

Now how does this come back to my original topic about how we have fucked up somewhere with love. We all did this because of the pressure that comes with relationships. It happens when we first meet, then date, then the countdown of when you are going to have sex begins! Either both people are not a virgin, or one person is, or both are, it all leads to when you are going to do it...and it better come soon because you don't want to keep the other person waiting or make them unhappy. We don't want to admit to it, but it is just how it works. We then have the pressure take over, and eventually do it...which leads to questions about "Is this real or is this going to be a messing around thing?" or "I didn't want to do it yet, but if not he/she will cheat on me, was the timing right for me?" And that's when the "messing with your head" comes in, because even though we are open to have sex, we are not open to express ourselves because we come off as not being confident. (It's a mess)

We then manage to pursue a relationship which leads to the fucking up your heart part....because not only will a relationship mess your mind, it can make your heart very jaded.(or at least learn a good lesson)

I for one can admit to falling under these categories of messing up someones mind, or their heart because we don't do it intentionally, it just happens. We have the pressures of sex, love, and building a life together, but it is just so hard to go at it the right way. I know we all give into temptation, but in reality, not always giving in is that can make us sane. I have gone through the mess and the confusion enough to just not care anymore (which is not a place where anyone should be). But coming to the conclusion that there is more to life than just sex and being in a relationship and falling in love can be such an insightful epiphany, that it even makes you want to be alone a little while longer, because you can mess someone up, or they can mess you up, but you always do whats best for you, so might as well be alone and happy :)

Atlantic City, Shopping, Girls-Bonding and Lots-O-Shopping!

Who ever said money can't buy happiness...is a liar!!!!!

So this weekend started off shaky. Friday was super boring, Saturday was cool. I finally got to watch that movie "Unstoppable" which was ok. But what made it for me was Sunday...

On Saturday my boss's girl friend (Sue) invited me to go shopping at Atlantic City at the outlets. I thought "ughhhh nooooo, a bunch of girls for work shopping, catty bitches....noooooo". I eventually agreed because Sue told me we would hit up the coach outlet (which I love!) All I gotta say is...I am soooooo glad I went.

We met up with a girl that works with me, Jessica, and a mutual friend, Fatima. I was kind of shaky at first because I don't really hang out with girls like that. I have my own two girl friends, and that is enough because they are awesome. But it was great to go out, meet new people, do some great shopping (which I only spent $200, and I bought a wristlet and sneakers at coach, two shirts at the gap, jeans and a shirt at aeropostale, boots and a shirt at American eagle) life is good.

I am just starting to feel better and it feels great. I thought for a while that I lost myself, but I think I am slowly gaining myself back. I know this little trip to Atlantic City seems so minor, but its just that it feels good to buy myself things, and just worry about myself. I have spent the last two years caring for other people, very broke, and not focusing on myself. It just seems like I am grasping reality again....

Madison Square Garden

I can now say my life is complete. I did a gig at Madison and I kid you not, I couldn't feel happier. It's one of those feelings of accomplishment that you will never forget. I know to a lot of people this may seem like nothing, but to me this is a dream and a goal that I can cross off my list. I have a long list of things I want to do before I die, and it just feels soooooo great to finally cross one out....now 500 more to go. lol. Between the people that I got to work with and the equipment that was placed in front of me, it felt unreal and I could hardly concentrate on who I was for a minuet. I knew exactly what I was doing and I wasn't even nervous! I came in there like a boss, assisting the engineer and getting the job done! I haven't done that in months. I just feel this sense of gratitude, and I don't want to loose it again. It feels good to be me again.

BTW My gig was a rehearsal run for Wintuk on November 17th (opening day). I am sooooo excited, and I have a feeling that I can only go up from here on....